Connect

2 questions that cut back the stress

March 21, 2016

I have missed you!

I didn’t write a blog post last month because I was just beginning my first online class, ever! In February, I launched a 7-week online version of my Room Next Door workshop and really wanted to give my full attention and support to the folks in my class.

My Room Next Door workshops and classes are all about what we can do to reduce stress in our lives and increase joy. Needless to say, I have been thinking about this a lot in the last few months!

Growing my business is a super exciting and joyful endeavor. I would not want to be doing anything else. But even though I love the work I do, launching new websites and new programs is not without its stress.

Many of the things that cause us stress also bring us joy. And if something is stressing us out, the solution is not always as simple as saying, “Just stop doing that thing. Do less of it.” Our jobs, our beloved volunteer projects, and our families can all bring us a lot of stress — but we cannot just quit all of them!

So how do you reduce the stress you feel in the midst of your full, busy life?
Here are two questions you can use.

Ask yourself, “What am I connecting to? What am I disconnecting from?”

What do I mean by connect and disconnect?

We are making connections all the time. We choose to engage with ideas and people. There are activities and projects we choose to experience and enjoy. You can think of the connections as moments where you have your hand open, palm up. Or perhaps you are high-fiving. You are energetically saying, “Yes, please!”

You are allowing the person, idea, or moment to connect with some part of you.

At the same time, there are things and people we are disconnecting from: experiences, feelings and thoughts we are not engaging with. Think of the disconnection as moments when your hand is positioned in a gesture that says, “Not right now.” You are mentally and emotionally unplugging.

Disengaging mindfully and from a place of love can be a powerful way to care for yourself. In fact, sometimes it’s the only way you can move forward and get the work done.

Next time: How to engage or disengage mindfully and with love.

Summer time is fun time — right?

July 29, 2015

This sunny Northwest summer is bringing with it a joyful and frenetic energy, and the last few months have been full!

My husband returned to Seattle after his first year of graduate school in a different city. I’ve been working with clients who are in the midst of major organizational changes. I’ve spent lots of time having fun with loved ones. The events in our nation continue to deliver reminders that the bright sunshine does not slow down hateful acts of violence.

Three forces are pulling me in opposite directions. The extra vitamin D induced energy has me wanting to get big things done and move my work forward. The sweet sunny days with my husband close by have me wanting to lie on a blanket by the water’s edge and read a book. And the local and global news reminds me daily that all things are not equal in this world. I’m aware that my safe, warm sun is not everyone’s experience and that if I want the world to be a kinder place I need to pay attention, learn more, and work for change.

How do you contend with different desires during the same season?

Enjoy where you are in each moment.

I have found myself watching little kids splashing in the waves at the beach, and suddenly thinking: What should we do at that next planning meeting? I have jumped up to write a weekend packing list when I am right in the middle of writing content for my new website.

When I catch myself I say: Whoa, Annie! Where are you right this moment? I breathe deeply, and remind myself: Oh, yes! I have my toes in the sand and there is a sweet three-year-old tossing pebbles with a splash. No need to plan that meeting agenda until Monday.

When you discover that you’ve interrupted one moment with thoughts about your to-dos, take a breath. Remind yourself that this moment matters. You have time.

Big change and big projects do not happen on an exact timeline.

I am great at attaching arbitrary meanings to time, and then deciding that things must be done during that time — or else! I have built quite the robust set of summer projects. And guess what? Not all of them are going to get done this summer! I have already had to reconstruct my plan — more than once.

Yes we need timelines or things can drag on forever. However, overloading yourself with too many plans or unrealistic expectations causes a lot of additional stress. Remember that linear time is a helpful yet arbitrary parameter. It’s OK to reschedule some of your plans and even take a few big projects off your list.

Build time for the most important things.

It’s good to view time as flexible, but we all need schedules. I’ve learned that if I don’t build in specific time for the things that are critical, those things will not get done. My calendar is one of my most important tools!

Put the most important work, projects, and life events on your calendar and attend to them when your calendar tells you to. This applies to exercise, writing time, having dinner with family or friends, or a meeting at work. Setting time on your calendar for important events keeps projects moving forward and makes space for the things you need most. When you build everything in to your calendar it will also help you see visually if you are over doing it. (If you are cut something out.) And yes both of these things are true for me – my calendar helps me get things done AND things need to be flexible.

What about the sad, anger inducing things happening to our communities, here at home and far away?

Hold on to complexity.

I am allowing myself to have complex feelings. I can feel bliss and sadness on the same day. I do not need to run from the bliss because there is so much to be sad about. And I do not need to ignore the sadness because I am afraid it will take away the good feelings. I need both feelings. I can feel both.

Face the news. Keep trying.

When I feel guilty because of the opportunities, rights, and privileges I have, I remind myself that I can do something. To deny myself any joy because of all the harm in the world does no one any good. We need more joy. We need people to feel it and shine it out. At the same time, the guilt and sadness I feel is a reminder to not ignore my desire for the world to be a more equal place.

I remind myself that I am responsible for making that change happen. We all are. For me, taking responsibility means not shutting off the news, not turning away from the difficult conversations. It means examining the work I am doing and how it impacts others in good and negative ways and making changes in how I work.
These are a few of my thoughts on dealing with different wants and desires during this summer season.

How do you contend with different desires in the same season?

Post your thoughts in my comments below.

Joy in your work day

June 22, 2015

Last week I wrote about enjoying your job, even when you’re working super hard. I talked about finding things you like about your work… Things that are fun… Things you do that you have always wanted to do and now you can!

Finding those things and taking time to enjoy them is important. Here is another technique for enjoying your work.

Build some joy into your’ work day.

Your moments of joy do not have to be related to the actual work at hand. Instead, this technique is all about figuring out how to fold a few things you really enjoy into your work day… and then have fun doing those things!

Here are a few examples:

Go for a walk in the middle of the day. Just 10 or 15 minutes — or longer if it’s possible. And enjoy it! You can walk alone or with co-workers. Either way can be fun, depending on the kind of day you are having.

Bring a lunch that you are really excited about eating. Really! Enjoy it.

Bring food to share with your co-workers. This could be cookies or fruit, or anything you enjoy. Share. Experience other people’s joy at having a treat at work. Enjoy their enjoyment!

Pay someone a compliment. Send a card or tell them in person. Say thank you! Then enjoy the moment when they feel joy.

Bring gorgeous summer flowers into your office. Look at them often. Enjoy their colors and intricate details.

Take a moment to ask yourself how you can bring joy and fun into your office space and your work.

Take it a step further: How can you bring this same intention for fun and enjoyment into your home?

If you are not your work, what are you?

February 16, 2015

A few weeks ago I began a series about “making it work at work.”
In the first post, I wrote about a technique for finding your balance in the workplace: actually realizing that “you are not your work.”

Check this post out if you haven’t already. Your Not Your Work

Let’s back up.

Why would you be in need of this reminder in the first place?
Well, a lot of us work A LOT.
Even when we are not at work we fret about our work, we check emails, we answer calls.
We even dream about our work!
With technology and increased expectations and demands to get more done with less time and a smaller staff, we carry our work with us. And then the parents among us are never really away from the work of parenting. Combine parenting with a job and the result is competing priorities, almost all the time.

Sometimes it can feel like work is sitting right between our shoulder blades all day and into the night —a subtle pressure between the bones.

That’s a heavy weight. It can lead to no longer liking your job (if you liked it in the first place). It can grow into a sense of dread whenever you think about going to the office. You may find yourself teetering once the edge of burnout, which I will write about in future posts.

If you feel tired, overwhelmed and overloaded with work, you can begin to reduce the burden by reminding yourself – YOU ARE NOT YOUR WORK. (That’s pretty loud, I know.) This technique is critical to avoid becoming fed up with your work.

But if you already know you are not your work – then what are you?

Right now you might be saying,

“Really, Annie? What am I?”

I know this is a big existential question.
And yes, people have written about this for millennia.
And yes, when I ask myself this question I think,

“Whew – too big, too big!”

You don’t have to look at the question head on.
It’s OK to give it a sideways glance.
But it’s a question worth asking.
Who are you?

What are all the exquisite, powerful things that make you – YOU?

Think about your experiences, history, identity, heritage, choices.
Then think about what’s at the core: the solid uniqueness of you.

Here’s something you can do.

Try it in your head, in your journal, or even on a sticky note!
Say to yourself: “I am me. I am_____________.”
Fill in the blank at least 5 times with adjectives.
Be kind. The list could include things you are all
the time or just some of the time.

Here are a few of mine:

I am me. I am bright energy.
I am me. I am gentle.
I am me. I am generous.
I am me. I am small.
I am me. I am strong.

Now ask yourself:

“Besides my professional self, my parenting self, my care taking self, what do I love to do? What do I enjoy?”

Keep it sweet and simple. These do not have to be BIG ideas.

Here are a few of my answers:

I love to read, knit, cook, run, hike. I love to be with my friends, neighbors, and family. I love to be near water and in the green space behind our building. If you want to go deeper, you can think of a way you already nurture these other parts of yourself.

Take note.

Is there a way you can do something this week with your non-work self or your non-parent self?

Just one little thing. Give it 10 minutes or 30 minutes.

Maybe you already do these other things. You go for walks with friends, paint, write poetry, ride your bike. Shine a light on those things. Remember them at work and outside of work.
When work is looming, we need to remind ourselves that we DO have a life outside of work.
There may be beautiful parts of our lives and our lived experience already happening —we just need to notice and acknowledge them!

You are not your work.

You are so much more than your work.

You are YOU.

If you are feeling really DONE with your work and pushed beyond the limit, don’t worry.
You don’t have to stay forever.
In my next few posts, we’ll work on developing a strategy to help you make a bold switch.

In the meantime, here are a few more posts on finding balance in the workplace:

How to love the job you are in (or survive the job
you hate)
You are not your work
Invest in who you are – not what you do

Find your center during the holidays

December 11, 2014

The holidays are here. If you’re like me — if you’re like many people — you’re feeling a combination of excitement and pressure, joy and sadness.

Right after Thanksgiving in the USA, everything around us explodes into green and red lights. There are so many ads, so many shopping deals. So many expectations, so many parties to go to. And so much year-end work to be done.

The holiday time can be sweet. We look forward to sharing food, laughter, and love with family and friends. We experience faith in something bigger — faith in each other.

But the holidays can also weigh us down. Amid the rush and the twinkling lights, many of us can feel alone, disconnected and unsure.

For many people, this year’s holiday season is laden with sadness, anger, mistrust and disillusion. Recent events in Ferguson and New York — and across the United States — point directly at our long-standing divisions and the injustice that continues to reside in our midst. The global crisis of Ebola points at our fragility and dependence on each other. Deep in my bones, I am feeling great sadness and anger and loss.

How then do we make it through the holidays? How can we manage not to droop under the grinding challenges at this year’s end?

Three practices are helping to buoy my spirits this month — and you may find them helpful, too:

Reflect on what this season mean to you
Pace yourself and take smaller bites
Do less and notice more

Reflect on what this season mean to you

Two major religious holidays are celebrated this time of year along with many spiritually and culturally significant days. Hanukkah and Christmas both fall in December. These holidays celebrate miracles and represent light being brought into the world. The winter solstice — often the last big feast before the hard months — represents rebirth and the coming of a new year.

And it may be that these holidays are not yours and have no connection to your beliefs. Even so, you can find personal significance in the season — without the holidays. Ask yourself: what is the deeper meaning people are searching for this time of year? What deeper wish do you have?

Ask yourself: “What meaning do this season hold for me?”

For me, this season is a time to reconnect with dear ones. It’s also a time for reflection: I think about where I have been and where I am going. I reflect on love and how I want to show love to other human beings. I think about the ways I have been showing up and the ways I have not. It is a time to express openly the possibility of miracles while actively acknowledging the sadness, conflict, and injustice in the world around us.

Pace yourself and take smaller bites

This is helpful advice during a holiday meal! It is also a good practice for the whole season. Taking baby steps and dividing tasks into smaller bites is a healthy way to handle life’s challenges. It’s a big part of what we talk about in my Room Next Door workshops.

Try focusing on one thing at a time. Break down the work, the chores, and the activities into bite-size pieces. Get very clear about the first doable piece of a task. Do that one thing. Then go on the next piece. Give yourself less work in a given amount of time.

Do less and notice more

Take a moment right now to figure out what can come off your plate. Can you change a deadline, eliminate some errands, or drop an expectation you have placed on yourself? Say “No” once or twice — or even three times — this month. Some projects can wait. Choose the gatherings you’re attending wisely. If you try to do it all you won’t enjoy any of it.

Be mindful. Pay attention. When you’re in final stretch of a work project or preparation for a meal with friends, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath and make everything slow motion (like in a movie). What do you notice? Is it a connection between people, the click clack of computer keys, the smell of warm pie, a friend’s bright laugh, even a feeling of sorrow blurred around the edges?

When you slow down, you will be reminded why we need each other. We need each other’s support, love, and kindness. Hold onto this fact during December, because this is what the holidays are truly about.

What does this season mean to you?
Write an answer in the comments below or jump on over to my Facebook page and comment.

One simple way to get unstuck

November 20, 2014

When you have a big problem and you are feeling stuck, I have a tool for getting unstuck — ask for help!

Over the last few weeks I have learned a lot about taking risks and creating something new.
My biggest learning has been that I cannot do it alone.

I am someone who loves to give help. It feels good to be of use and to support someone else. Just look at my work: it’s built on giving advice!

What I don’t like is asking for help.

When I ask for help, I feel vulnerable. I’m giving up control. I can’t dictate exactly what sort of help I’m going to get. I don’t get to choose how that help is going to be delivered.

If asking for help makes you feel uncomfortable, too, here’s where that feeling comes from:

When you ask for help, you are actually saying, “I cannot do this on my own. I need support.” The dominant U.S. culture teaches us that asking for help is weak. We’re taught that we should be able to do everything on our own — that being a successful human is an individual thing.

That teaching is a lie. We are all interconnected.

Any major change in our lives is done in community. Whether we’re raising a baby, launching a project or moving into a new home, we’re changing alongside of other human beings.

We need each other.

If you have a grand plan you want to implement, or you’re feeling overwhelmed by too much work or too much life — you need help. And that’s a good thing!

Asking for help opens up a new way of seeing a problem.
It allows the weight of the work to be shared.
It increases the energy going toward a solution.

When you ask for help, you are no longer alone. And when you are supported you will begin to see new ways forward.

You can reduce stress and increase your creative potential by asking for support.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind when asking for help:

Pick the right folks for the job.

Who has the experience? Likes this kind of project? Can handle it? Who is someone you would like to have around, who would probably like to help you?

Decide what kind of help you need.

Figure out exactly what you need help with. What are you looking for (and not looking for)? What are your time frames?

Ask.

Make an explicit request – don’t beat around the bush. Make your request very specific and clear.

Be prepared for “No.”

Give folks a chance to get off the hook when you ask. If someone says they cannot help, don’t hold that against them. Treat them the way you’d want to be treated if you could not help.

Be clear and set boundaries.

Make sure your community knows what kind of support you need and what you do not need. Keep the ownership and responsibility for the task as yours.

Hire a professional.

If your own community cannot help OR it is going to put too much burden on them, hire a professional. This could be a therapist for processing an experience, a mover to help you transition to a new home, or a marketing specialist for promotions.

Say thank you.

Thank you goes a long way. Please say it! In person, via email, or by snail mail, let your helpers know you appreciate them.

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Questions for reflection:

What are you needing a little support for and who can you ask?
How can you say thank you to for support in the past?

Write an answer in the comments below or jump on over to my Facebook page and comment.

A summer of family, food and jeepneys

August 28, 2014

I wanted to share news with you all from the last few months. I finally finished my move into a sweet, little office and art space. By day, it will be a place where I can support client projects and build out my next workshop. By night, it will be a place for my husband to steal away and work on his new poetry book. We are both thrilled at the thought of a space dedicated to fostering new work and supporting current projects.

As I ease into my new office space here in Seattle, I also ease back in being the States after our family trip to the Philippines. As you may recall, my husband and I traveled to the Philippines in July. I must admit, during my time in the Philippines, I was spoiled by my new family – fed four or five well-rounded meals a day, entrusted with grand stories of family history and toured around cities and countryside full of coconut trees, jeepneys and trikes. My husband and I traversed three islands and a multitude of family homes. I spent the time learning about the tight loving bonds of family. I felt amazement as my own sense of family expanded in my chest. My traditional, American notions of a third cousin twice removed are a thing of the past. Now I consider everyone in both my own family as well as my chosen family a cousin, auntie or uncle. My new Filipino family taught me the art of bringing people into the fold, of making room for more.

As I transition back into work mode, while balancing the last full days of summer, I am remembering what is most important in this one life. For me, the most important thing are the loving bonds we create with each other. The hot meals shared around a table, the long car rides with family (chosen and blood), listening to someone else’s stories and desires. During my trip overseas I lived fully and presently. I am reminded of my desire to connect and make every moment a meaningful one with the people I surround myself with.

Thank you to my family in the Philippines for reminding me of what is important. As I enter the transition of another season I realign my fulcrum and place taking care of my relationships with my family and friends at the center. I am working to hold lightly the constant anxiety of working life so that there is always room and time for my loved ones.

May these last days of August and first days of September bring you continued reminders of what you hold most dear and the time to enjoy it. As we transition into autumn, what are you taking with you from summer? What reminders did you receive about what is most important? I invite you to share on my Facebook page. I would love to hear from you!

Best,
Annie

Take a Break

June 18, 2014

Lately, I have been talking with my clients about taking breaks. How do you take a break when the work piles up and is never-ending? How do you take a break when stopping for a moment creates a rapid-fire panic?

The deal is, we need breaks. They give us room to see and experience things in a new way. Taking breaks increases our creativity and our productivity.

I know it is hard to take a break. I will work nonstop without pausing to go to the bathroom, even if I have to go REAL bad! (I do not recommend this technique. It is bad for your bladder and your concentration.) But, like so many people, I have trouble giving myself the gift of a break.

Sometimes, I feel like I might not start again if I stop working. The only way to get the work done is to keep going. I also feel like I do not deserve a break. Perhaps it’s because I have not completed the work (which is never done). Perhaps because I tell myself, people have it harder than me.

Here is what I have learned. When I stop and take a break from work, I do better work. I enjoy the work and the people I am working with. And if I take breaks, I am less likely to burn out. (It is possible to work so long without taking breaks that you can burn out on the entire sector you work in. I know this because I have done it.)

To avoid burnout and enjoy your work, you need two kinds of breaks.

Short breaks: you need breaks throughout the day.
Eat lunch away from your desk. Take a quick walk around the block. Stand up and move away from your desk.
Long breaks: three or more days in a row completely off and away from work.
Plan for long weekends or even a week or two out of the office and as much as possible away from your electronics. More here about preparing for a longer break with less stress.

If you do not take breaks, you will lose the enjoyment of your work. You will not do great work for your clients or customers. You will stop caring. You will wonder why you started doing the work in the first place, and you will lose connection to your passion. You will dislike the people you work with. You will be a harder person to be around, and it will be tough on your loved ones.

Is it worth it to take a break?

YES!

You can start today. If you are at work, take a look at today’s schedule. When can you take a break today? When can you get up and step away from your desk? What could you do to take a short break? Can you stretch? Stroll around the block? Eat lunch in a different part of the building, or even in a park?

Okay, now look at your calendar for the next several weeks and months. Do you have a break scheduled in the next few months? A day off on either side of a weekend? A week away? If you don’t have a break coming up, schedule one? If you do not have any vacation time available right now, can you make sure you leave work right on time a few days a week and not touch your work after you get home?

It is your responsibility to build in your breaks. It takes discipline. Those of us in the U.S. do not take breaks.

Somewhere along the line, we swallowed the myth that nonstop work leads to success. It doesn’t. It leads to exhaustion and a lack of passion.

Take care of yourself. It is beautiful out. Take a break.

(Stay tuned. Next week I will post the steps to taking a short break.)

Honest Conversations: A checklist

June 4, 2014

Speaking what is true for you and listening for what is true for another person can lead to internal change and relationship growth. I call this an honest conversation. We do not want to go into honest, difficult conversations because we are afraid. We are afraid that an honest conversation might damage the relationship. We are afraid we might be misunderstood, get hurt, or hurt someone else.

Honest conversations can pave the way to deeper relationships and better understanding. With this checklist, you can decrease the chance that you will get stuck in a nonstop, swirling, angry stew of a conversation. Following these steps will increase the potential for things to change for the better.

This checklist does not guarantee the conversation will be easy. Honest conversations are hard. They require courage. You cannot determine someone else’s response beforehand. You cannot protect yourself from vulnerability if you are going to be truly honest.

Here’s how to prepare for an honest conversation:

What are your intentions?

Ask yourself: Why do you want to have this conversation? What are you asking for? What do you need or want? Check in with yourself and see if you can identify your truest motives, hopes, desires and fears.
Are you tired?

If you are sleepy, DO NOT have the conversation. Get more sleep. If you try to have a big conversation when you are sleep deprived the result will be more intense and emotional than it needs to be. Meanings get twisted in our sleepy brains. Things seem grander and get blown out of proportion. Handling complexity is hard when you are tired.

If you must have the conversation while tired (perhaps you are a new parent) then be as gentle as you can and say that you are lacking in sleep.

Are you hungry?

Wait! If you are hungry, go eat. Eat some protein. Do not attempt a big, honest conversation with low blood sugar. It just does not work out well, ever.

Are you calm?

I know it is hard to be calm if you need to talk about something profoundly upsetting. “Calm” in this case does not mean you are not feeling emotions. You may feel sad or angry. That is okay. You can feel and express emotion from a place that is centered inside yourself. If you feel yourself getting red hot, take a few breaths. Take a break from the conversation. Locate your belly and feel it move with the breath. Locate your heart and feel it pump.

What are you feeling?

Knowing what you are feeling will help you be clear about your needs. Identify the first feeling. Then explore other underlying emotions. If you are angry, why? Do you also feel jealous? Hurt? Afraid? If you are feeling sad, do you also feel confused? Ashamed? Let down? Alone?

You do not need to tell the other person how you are feeling. Being open about your feelings depends on the person you are talking to. Is it appropriate to share your feelings with this person? Do you want to trust them with your feelings? Even if you do not share your feelings, figure out what they are.

How much do you want to share?

You can have an honest conversation and not share everything. A lot depends on the context. Make your decisions based on the other person’s ability to hold your vulnerability without judgment. At work, it is important to be careful about how much you share, and with whom. Most workplaces do not hold the space or time for that level of relationship between coworkers or supervisors.

Are you ready to hear the other person?

Are you ready to hear what they have to say? What they need? What they are experiencing?

Are you prepared to give something up based on what you learn and hear?

If you cannot do this kind of deep preparation, then you are not preparing for a conversation. You are looking for a way to drop a bomb. And that will not allow for mutual growth or change.

While you are having the conversation and afterwards, find ways to be gentle to yourself.

Take care of yourself and give yourself time and space to reflect on the conversation.

What did you learn? What do you still desire? Can you find forgiveness?

Honest conversations take practice. They are not easy. They require courage.

We are all capable of having more honest conversations in our lives.

If we do, things will change for the better in the long run.

Need Something Say Something

May 13, 2014

One of scariest, hardest things at work, or in any life situation, is having an honest conversation. By “honest conversation,” I mean a situation when you need to talk about something that has been on your mind or in your heart, and you are going to ask for someone else to respond.

What stops people from having honest conversations? Fear. Always. Maybe what you need to talk about is something you have been afraid to say out loud. You could be afraid of being misunderstood, hurting someone’s feelings, getting yelled at, or being judged. At work you could even fear losing your job.

When you need to have a hard conversation, you will experience fear. But if you don’t have the conversation, two things are almost certainly guaranteed: Things will not change. And they might get even worse.

When I talk about the need for honest conversations, one topic that comes up a lot is: “Something needs to change at work for me to be happier.” There is a lot on the line with this conversation. If you talk with your boss about what you need in order to experience satisfaction at work, you may hear that what you want is not possible. Or even worse, that you are being unreasonable. You could strain your relationship with your supervisor.

But if you do not bring up your needs at work, then things will continue as usual.

This may result in decreased job satisfaction and increased stress. It could even cause depression. Also, if you don’t talk about it, you won’t know if your job situation could get better.

Wait! What happens if you do have the honest conversation?

If you talk with your supervisor about your needs at work, a lot could go right! You could brainstorm potential solutions together. This process could open up a healthy dialogue with your supervisor, and could improve collaboration. Your relationship could strengthen. Your honest conversation could benefit other employees in the organization.

What if you ask and do not receive support?

You will learn an important lesson about your employer’s ability to respond to employee needs. This could confirm that perhaps this job is not the right place for you. In fact, sometimes that is what we are afraid of confirming. It is good to get clear and know. The longer we hide from the fact that our job is not the right place for us the more we put off the work of finding a new job. If you know then you can prepare for the future.

Is it worth it?

Yes! Take action. Have the conversation. If there is a path to improving things at work, you’re taking the first step toward making things better. Your coworkers could benefit. Your relationship with your supervisor could improve. At worst you will find out critical information about whether this job is the right place for you to be.*

Plan for the conversation

Think about who you can talk to and when it is the right time to talk with them. Start by speaking with your most direct supervisor (if you go over their head you will potentially alienate them). Can this person help enact a change in the organization? If not, know who else you will talk with. Lay the groundwork for the conversation ahead of time. Let them know you want to talk about how you are doing in the job. Ask for the support you need to improve your performance and satisfaction.

Prepare. Be ready to share concrete ideas. What would you like to change? What are some realistic ways you can see that things can change? Be ready to compromise and negotiate. Be prepared for tough questions and tough choices. What are you willing to give up to make a change occur?

Forgive

Yes, forgive. You may gain support and understanding to change the way you are doing or experiencing your job. That is great! But even after the change occurs, you may have residual anger toward your co-workers or even yourself. You may feel let down. You may feel frustrated by things that have occurred in the past. But if you do not work toward forgiving people in the organization, the changes you have made will not lead to feeling any better. So before you start, set an intention to forgive. Write down who you want to forgive and for what. If you pray or meditate, ask for help in forgiving those people. You can also see the person and silently say, “I am forgiving you for this.” Try doing this until you have forgiven them.
(You do not have to have an external conversation with anyone to forgive them.)

Commit to do the work and keep the conversation going

Change takes work, so be prepared to do your part. Be willing to continue the conversation about how you are doing in your job.

Have a Plan B

If the changes you are asking for are not possible, what are you going to do instead? What personal changes can help you offset your dissatisfaction with the job? Are there relationships at work that you can improve? Can you shift your ways of thinking about the work? What would you be doing if you weren’t doing this job? What is one step you can take toward a different way of engaging in the work, getting enjoyment outside of the work, or leaving your job?

Get support

Find people that you love and trust outside of your work to talk with. Tell them what you are struggling with at work. Ask them to listen as you talk through possible solutions including a Plan B. Ask them to hold you accountable to talk with people at work. Check in and report on how your conversation went, and what change is occurring.

Most work cultures do not support honest, open conversations. It is hard to be the person who speaks up for change and your own needs. But if you do not do it, things will not change.

A few honest conversations could make your job an easier place to work.

If you enjoy the work more, you will do better work. You will also be a happier person. Your family and loved ones will thank you. And you are worth it.

What else would you add to this list? What has helped you have a successful conversation and change in the workplace?

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*Every once in a while someone has a supervisor who is just not supportive, period. This is rare. (Sometimes we don’t feel supported, but we haven’t opened up a dialogue.) If you know you have a supervisor who will not support you, then you have a different dilemma. If you believe your supervisor does not have your best interest in mind (or even the best interest of the organization) then they are NOT the right person to talk to. Find other management support in the organization and have a conversation about what you need to be successful in the company. Also get support and start working on a Plan B.

Ask yourself, “What am I connecting to? What am I disconnecting from?”

How do you contend with different desires during the same season?

Enjoy where you are in each moment.

Big change and big projects do not happen on an exact timeline.

Build time for the most important things.

What about the sad, anger inducing things happening to our communities, here at home and far away?

Hold on to complexity.

Face the news. Keep trying.

Build some joy into your’ work day.

Take a moment to ask yourself how you can bring joy and fun into your office space and your work.

Take it a step further: How can you bring this same intention for fun and enjoyment into your home?

Let’s back up.

“Really, Annie? What am I?”

“Whew – too big, too big!”

What are all the exquisite, powerful things that make you – YOU?

Here are a few of mine:

Now ask yourself:

“Besides my professional self, my parenting self, my care taking self, what do I love to do? What do I enjoy?”

Here are a few of my answers:

Take note.

Is there a way you can do something this week with your non-work self or your non-parent self?

You are not your work.

You are so much more than your work.

You are YOU.

How then do we make it through the holidays? How can we manage not to droop under the grinding challenges at this year’s end?

Reflect on what this season mean to you

Pace yourself and take smaller bites

Do less and notice more

When you slow down, you will be reminded why we need each other. We need each other’s support, love, and kindness. Hold onto this fact during December, because this is what the holidays are truly about.

We need each other.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind when asking for help:

Pick the right folks for the job.

Decide what kind of help you need.

Ask.

Be prepared for “No.”

Be clear and set boundaries.

Hire a professional.

Say thank you.

To avoid burnout and enjoy your work, you need two kinds of breaks.

Short breaks: you need breaks throughout the day.

Long breaks: three or more days in a row completely off and away from work.

Is it worth it to take a break?

YES!

Somewhere along the line, we swallowed the myth that nonstop work leads to success. It doesn’t. It leads to exhaustion and a lack of passion.

Here’s how to prepare for an honest conversation:

What are your intentions?

Are you hungry?

Are you calm?

What are you feeling?

How much do you want to share?

Take care of yourself and give yourself time and space to reflect on the conversation.

We are all capable of having more honest conversations in our lives.

But if you do not bring up your needs at work, then things will continue as usual.

Wait! What happens if you do have the honest conversation?

Plan for the conversation

Forgive

Commit to do the work and keep the conversation going

Have a Plan B

Get support

A few honest conversations could make your job an easier place to work.

Note:

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