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I just got back from four days away in a little island house. A getaway with dear friends and their kiddos. It sounds delightful, right?

But here’s the thing: I was not looking forward to the break. The timing was not perfect. I had just returned from a week away facilitating at a conference. I felt I needed to plug back in right away and catch up on major client projects.

In spite of my anxiety, I headed out of town. And once I got to the island, it was clear: I needed this getaway. The time in the sunny beach house with loved ones was going to be downright beautiful.

We took walks on the beach and spent hours cooking (leaving the kitchen a gorgeous mess). We read books aloud. People reminisced over childhood days, told jokes and shared stories. We kayaked, napped, and sat in the sun.

A true getaway holds a gift.

You connect with the people you love, you connect with your sense of wonder. You remember what sun on relaxed shoulders feels like. It is a necessity.

Before I could embrace this trip and benefit from it, I needed to take a few simple actions.

Here’s how you can set yourself up for a stress-free getaway:

Give yourself permission to take time off

This is the hardest step for me. We all need breaks. We crave time outside of the workday to connect with those we love. Those times away give us the space to think, let go, and recalibrate. Time away helps us be better friends, family, lovers, and workers when we return. You deserve to rest and recharge your energy. Make sure to tell yourself, “I deserve this!”

Decide to set the work aside

It is difficult to put our work down and just “be.” Make an active decision not to work during your break—and do it before you leave. That way, if your to-do list starts nagging during your getaway, it will be easier to remind yourself, gently, that you are not working during this time.

Write down what you need to do when you return

If you’re worried about surprises that might be lurking on your desk when you get home, here’s my solution. A few days ahead of your getaway, make a short, simple to-do list. Write actionable tasks on your list. Check your calendar to make sure you are not missing anything. Reschedule things if you need to. Then leave the list for when you return.

Put the technology away

It’s hard for us to switch off when our devices are switched on! Those smart phones, tablets, and laptops are tied to our work, and they can drain our energy. Make a commitment to yourself to not check your email or your phone messages while you are away. (As an alternative, check in once daily, and then put the devices away.) Being “disconnected” may feel uncomfortable at first, but you will recharge your energy and your spirit better this way. You will find yourself less stressed and more present.

Identify your wants & needs

Before my getaway, I decided how I wanted to be with people during our time together. I thought about the kinds of interactions I wanted to have, how much time I wished to spend with others, and how much alone time I needed. I wrote down my intentions and kept the paper with me.

Start by asking yourself: “How do I want to interact with people? How do I want people to feel when they interact with me?  How do I want to feel when I am with people?” Jot down your answers, so you can refer to them if you need to.

Voice your intentions

What do you hope to gain from your time off? If your getaway involves other people—friends, family, spouse, or partner—let them know your intentions in advance. Talk openly about what you want and hope to have happen. When you set your intentions in community, it helps everyone support you.

Work, the grind, the important tasks, and the to-do lists will always be here.
The older I get the more clear that message is. We all need breaks!

Take some time off, even just for an afternoon.

You will do better work when you return. I promise.

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Note:

If you are planning a little time away with family, please pay special attention to the last two points on my list: “Identify your needs” and “Voice your intentions.”  It is important to talk about your intentions with the people who can listen well and support you. This might not be everyone in your family (or even among your friends). If you worry that the people going on the trip might not support you, share your intentions with a supportive friend before you go. You could even agree to check in with that friend during the trip if you need the extra support.

I was in New York City over the holidays. This year’s trip included illness, travel snafus, a lot of visiting and a lot of rushing. I was sick and not relaxed. I found my meditation and calm on the subway, of all places. Here is one of my subway thoughts.

There are a lot of human beings,
with a lot of different ways of talking and being, many languages, many families.

Alone not lonely.
Together still lonely.

Holding on, swaying, millions of stories on the move
All in stop motion for the ride

Very connected by one common experience
One common moment

Very few take notice

Daily we are offered
ways to slow down, connect, reach out,
ways to hear a new story, to meditate, to let go,
to honor each other with a glance, a smile or nod.

Don’t miss your subway opportunities.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball or two or five. Your moving along mostly content. Good days, full of work you love, a few errands, pleasant interactions with strangers, sweet talks with loved ones, it is all good. Yes there are grumpy days, agitations, worries, perhaps a month with too many expenses and not enough money flow, but for the most part you are in a pattern of smooth sailing.

You know it is coming. You try to be.present.now. But you know – because you have lived long enough to know – that something hard will come soon. You know about the hard part that makes life precious and beautiful, the abrupt reminder, the moment when the sky falls into your lap. As you walk to the bus, a flutter in your sternum reminds you of the precarious balance, the limit of this life on this earth now, for you, for your loves.

The last time I had this wake-up call was when I got into a bad car accident with my beloved. The accident shook everything in my life up, just like when you poke a stick in sedentary stream.

Since the accident and the awareness of our lack of control and brief chances in this life time, I have gone back to cruise control. Living mostly calm, happy days with one eye open, ready for the next precious life reminding moment to bounce into my lap.

A few days ago the reminder came. A community of dear friends have been intimately involved with our friend, and her husband’s battle with cancer. She has the bad kind of cancer, more than one kind actually, the kinds that are out to kill and refuse to listen to the multitude of modern medicine’s “magical” treatments.

Two weeks ago, she got the news that a whole new form of cancer had showen up and it was bad, it wasn’t going away and did not appear to be treatable. As the news was shared during dinner – one person after another experienced the quiet sops in their throats, the chill of disbelief and hot of anger.

What do we do in these times when the bottom drops out?

Right now, the key for me is to continue reaching for the joy place inside – I can still access it even when I am sad, it is always there. My joy is anchored to something much deeper than current emotions, current experience. It is anchored to something that goes back before my birth – that grounds us all. Everyone accesses joy differently. Below are a few of my strategies for accessing joy.
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Accessing Joy in the darkest moments:

1. Feel the emotions

Sometimes I even talk to my emotions, “Hello there – you are feeling so sad. I am sorry you are sad. It’s okay to feel sad right now”.
(For more on not ignoring emotions check out Raphael Cushnir’s work).

2. Tap into gratitude and say thanks

Name 1 or 2 things you are thankful for. And say thanks.
“I am thankful for cool breeze in spring leaves. Thank you cool breeze.”

For more on gratitude check out Brene Brown’s work.

3. Go for a walk

Feel the air against your face, notice things, only talk a little or not at all, feel life moving around you

4. Reach out

Be with the people that are good for you. (These are the people that are okay with you and still loving even when you are not wonderful to be with.)
Tell them how you are really doing.
Be with them.

5. Breath

Inhale, exhale.
Feel your breath.

6. Let yourself feel joy

It is okay to feel joy even in the hardest moments. Joy is not the same as happiness. You are not denying the experience of grief or anger by also taking in joy. When it moves through you, acknowledge it, nod, pause, touch your heart.

Joy for me feels like a welling up, from my gut to my chest, it is a sense, a knowing that there is something to be thankful for right now and there will always be something to be thankful for. Joy helps me see the moment.
Joy connects me to now and to something bigger than now.
Joy keeps me courageous and open.

How do you connect with a sense of joy even when life is very dark?
What does joy feel like to you?

When you share your practices and ideas it will give others new ideas and ways to connect to their sense of joy.